Parents or Loved Ones Death

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by bangeryun94, Mar 31, 2016.

  1. bangeryun94

    bangeryun94 Newbie

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    My father recently passed away. Apparently he was terminally ill. He confided in my older brothers but he chose not to tell me. He left me video messages and dozens of letters but he never explained why he did not want me to know. I find myself alternating between grief to anger to not feeling anything at all. There are days when I can't get out of bed and days when I'm so happy it seems I'm manic. Normally I would have my twin to talk through this but he's doing his military service right now. I don't know if this is normal or if I need to see a therapist. I get reckless and do dangerous things when I am sad. I am so angry at my father and I don't know why.
     
  2. teleri

    teleri Newbie

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    Oh, I'm sooooo sorry to hear this :( I would highly recommend you going to a counselor to talk things out, especially since your twin's not available. Your behavior IS normal, but you need to talk out your feelings. All my condolences. Been there myself :(
     
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  3. Elf_lover

    Elf_lover Leader

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    I'm sorry for your loss. I have been there too. My mother passed away 5 years ago, she was my rock. I feel so lost without her. It does get easier with time. Talking about it helps too. Good luck!!
     
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  4. sicaranghae

    sicaranghae Rookie

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    First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. From what I can gather, you have older brother, so I assume you and your twin are the youngest? I completely understand that you're angry, but sometimes parents might want to protect their kids from suffering when they think they can't handle it or when they're the youngest ones. Maybe your dad thought he was protecting you by not having to deal with the fact that he could die at any moment. But as much as he wanted to protect you, you're bound to have a different point of view and you might even feel betrayed. Don't feel guilty. It's normal that you feel angry, and you should let it all out, although in a healthy manner, of course. Anger is a very common thing to feel when a loved one passes away, and it's part of the healing process. You're gonna have to let time heal your wounds and find forgiveness in your heart for your dad. I know that may sound cheesy, but it's the unfortunate true. You're gonna have to learn to live with that until the day you find it yourself to forgive and forget. You don't have to feel pressured to do it fast either, take your time. It's gonna hurt a lot for a while and you're gonna wake up everyday with a lot of boiling emotions and you won't know what to do with them, but you have to feel them in order to go on with your life, ignoring them won't do you any favors. Maybe you should talk to someone or even see a therapist, just do what you think it's best for you if that's what's gonna keep you out of trouble.

    In the meantime, don't feel guilty if you try to forget about it or just genuinely forget even for a moment. That could eventually make you reach your breaking point and do something you're gonna regret. You don't have to be reminded of that 24 hours a day, and doing that won't make it any easier for you. I don't know if that was of any help, but that's what I wanted to say. Allow yourself to be angry and to forget, even if for a short moment.
     
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  5. propanda

    propanda Very Important Panda

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    My condolences. It's not quite same, but my cat died week ago as well and it has been weird not having her around. I feel quilty for not feeling more sorrow as well, it seems like I most of time forget that she's gone- then it hits me and I get sad. Death just feels so weird, like everything is normal-- expect it isn't cause this person is missing and isn't coming back :/

    Well enough for my thoughts. I think it's normal to feel what you are feeling. Even the anger and feeling betrayed, I think I'd feel those as well in same situation.
     
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  6. bangeryun94

    bangeryun94 Newbie

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    Animals are family members. They have souls and know sadness, fear and pain. I am so very sorry for your loss.
     
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  7. findtheakarun

    findtheakarun Super Rookie

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    Probably should see a therapist, yes.

    But I do think you're seeing this in a light that likely isn't true. My thought is that he knew you'd take it hard and put off telling you. Sometimes telling someone the truth is just so hard that all you can bring yourself to do is say, "I'll do it eventually." The letters and videos definitely show that he cares for you, so I think he didn't tell you out of love. Misguided love, but love.
     
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  8. LegendaryTsunade

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    Im sorry for your loss.

    Tbh its nothing unusual. I have lost quite a few important people in my life so I know the phases you go through. You dont always feel sad at first. For example when one of my friends died i was mad at him for not being careful. We were supposed to be partners on the prom night and i was just thinking like.. "Now i have no partner". As ruthless as it sounds its true. It was just a denial phase where i chose to be mad rather than sad because it was easier for me. I didnt even think about his death. That selfish act helped me go through first couple of days until "being mad" was no longer an option and then it hit me - the realization. "Holy f he is dead". And then i went through the sad phase, just like everyone else. When my grandma died i sat beside her body and watched her until ppl came to take her away. And i somehow felt weird. It wasnt even scary. The funerals and stuff all pass by me as if im stone cold but thats just how my body deals with loss. Its just a temporary shock or denial, you would be surprised how many ppl pretend like nothing happened and spend some time "happily". It just comes when you are ready to be sad and when you can get over it.
     
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