I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering like this. Please try to speak to someone about it, unfortunately shoving it aside or trying to distract yourself won't work on things like this, it needs to be addressed. Do you have a close family member you can confide in or maybe a visit to your GP or a counsellor/therapist if you can? I highly doubt that. We judge ourselves too harshly, but I am sure you are a wonderful person. Please don't die. I know it seems dark and hard now, but it gets better. Try to find little things to look forward to and set little goals for yourself to achieve the one thing you want, whether it be a dream job, your own house, an overseas trip or something. It may not seem like it now, but you hae a life waiting for you. Spoiler Is there any way you can talk to a dr or professional soon? Maybe a MH helpline in your country to talk to a professional? That sounds absolutely horrific. I'm so sorry.